Janice Bradshaw, Lytham-St Annes England, 52
Where Have I Been? Where Are We Going?
Like many women of my age group the essence of who I am was lost for many years. That fire of independence and individuality that burned so strongly in 1973 was damped down over the years through changes in lifestyle and responsibility. It occasionally made brief appearances, only to find that it caused disruption and confusion. So it retreated, its place being filled by another part of me which found it easier to conform, not to make waves, just get on with earning a living, organising a family, waiting for the day that it could be welcomed back. That time has come. It still causes disruption and confusion, but now I have the time and the confidence to nurture it, stand up for it and give it a voice once again.
Over recent years Ive stood in many changing rooms surrounded by mirrors, endeavouring to try on clothes without catching sight of myself naked. If I did I was always shocked to realise that I no longer had the body I had 10 or 15 years ago. I left the changing rooms feeling depressed, without buying anything. My daughter came shopping with me a few years ago ago. I tried on clothes in sizes that fit me well. I dont want to buy a size 16!! Why not she said. You look lovely. If you feel good in it then who cares what size it is? More recently Ive stood naked in my bedroom daily in front of a full length mirror, looking at the real me, the body I have now. Im fit and healthy and yes, my bodys OK.
What did I do in April this year on my 52nd birthday? I joined a group of disparate women at The Green Room in Manchester. Our ages ranged from 19 to 52. We were all shapes and sizes. Not all of us knew what we were looking for at the beginning. Some of us found out on the way. By the time we had danced naked on two evenings in front of very surprised audiences we knew who we were. We were strong, proud of ourselves, proud to say this is me, this is my real body. It sags, it wobbles, it has dimples, folds, crevices. But thats fine. After the performance I wrote a note to myself, telling the person I was before the journey how I would feel afterwards.
Dear Janice
You are at a point in your life where your actions need to have meaning. You know that the person inside you needs to stand up and be counted for the things she believes in and that are important to her. This could be the first step you take towards this. You know you need to accept yourself and your body as it is. If you do this you will never look back. This will be the beginning of a journey towards a more comfortable you.
P.S. When you watch the screening of the performance, you will be surprised how much you wobble Oh .. and how much you look like your Mum used to look 30 years ago But thats alright!!!!
Who else do you know who stood in a circle of naked women blowing out her birthday candles and doing the naked Hokey Cokey!! My Journey has started.
Where are we going? When I look back to that fire that burned in me and many of my contemporaries in 1973 I feel that now we are going backwards.
Am I a lone voice in the wilderness? even among my peers. I spent last weekend with a group of old female school friends. I was telling them about being asked to write this contribution. I thought it might put an interesting slant on things if they all gave me a couple of sentences about where theyd been and where they thought we were going. It shocked me to find that this group of intelligent women whos fire once burned brightly alongside mine, no longer felt as I do. Theyre comfortable in the worlds theyve created for themselves. I dont think too deeply about things one said.
I discuss these concerns with my husband. He thinks its part of the evolutionary process. That this is how we are progressing as human beings. I really hope hes wrong or if hes right then I wont be here to see the full impact.
Ill carry on being a lone voice in the darkness occasionally falling upon sympathetic ears but very rarely on the ears of someone who will also stand up and be counted. Then perhaps, one day, we can become people who care about and respect ourselves and each other.
Oh, and one last thing - Designer Vaginas, whats that all about?
