Suzi
Where Have I Been? Where Are We Going?
I sit and contemplate.. where I have been.. where am I now.. where am I going
Where have I been? I have been in the darkness, damaged, confused, alone, judged, abandoned, rejected and afraid..
I have been on path from there to here. A path so cruel and torturous, full of pain and isolation, wading through valleys of darkness looking, seeking, searching for something called light.. daring to believe in rainbows, that one day mine would come and it would light my path.. the pot of gold would be my own salvation, from myself if nothing else.. the strength to stop the self destruction that was but a continuation of a life of abuse.. I learned to believe I was worthless, an inconvenience, a waste of humanity, in my learning I continued the path that I had been set upon at birth, not knowing, not seeing, blind to the crossroads, oblivious to the knowledge that there was another way, a different path..
I have come from a society where every aspect of life itself has polar opposites, good and bad.. every thought, every feeling, every behavior, even nature herself, chained to one of these labels, and yet, neither is sufficient and we judge or are judged, we complain at each moment, the summer is too hot, the winter is too cold, you are a bad child, you are a good child, you are ugly, you are beautiful, you are too fat, you are too thin, you are right, you are wrong.. I have come from a society where there is no neutral, no love and acceptance in what is. Where is the right to just be?
Where am I now? I am free and at peace.
Why? I ask the silence before me, was that my path, whatever the reason it has brought me here. The chains of the past have now rusted away. I have found my rainbow of hope, salvation from my own self destruction, I have found my worth as a woman, discovered acceptance of what isin the summer that is too hot I sit on my deck in the cool of the evening, the crickets sing in harmony with nature, birdsong fills the air as I watch these flight creatures dance through the air, content just to be.. natures life such beauty before me.. the winter that is too cold I sit and watch the flames of the fire dancing though the small glass window of the firebox, warm and safe, the sound of the rain drumming on the windows so comforting.. knowing that this barren season is needed to bring forth new life of spring. The dry arid summer, the winters cold rain, all part of nature fulfilling her need to survive, nurturing herself, allowing what is..
By some great miracle I have reached a place where I have discovered me. I have learned celebrate life, rejoice in the joy and wonders of being a woman. As a woman I have sought out my child within, I now hold her tenderly, offer her the love she never knew, I give her nurturing, safety, reassurance and acceptance. Here in this new place, so unfamiliar I struggle to stay and yet there is no going back. In this place, I have freedom, friendship, self-worth, strength and appreciation for the smallest of blessings.
Where am I going? That I do not know, I shall fly free where the wind takes me on this journey called life.
And now I grow in my strength, ever evolving, ever learning, allowing myself to be the very essence of me, no longer afraid of being different. Wherever this path leads I shall go in the knowledge that I am a precious child of the universe.. I have new rainbows of hope, I am going to find love, woman to woman, well share our lives in the wonder and beauty each day brings. I am exploring my creativity, following my dreams, fulfilling my goals.. I am, in this moment, conscious of the blessing of life all around me, accepting of what is, in this and each new moment.
