Jenni Fagan , 31, Edinburgh
Where Have I Been? Where Are We Going?
1. Grow a moustache.
2. Declare all manifestos irrevocably void stating the post-structuralist stance of words and meaning being void as all words are dependent on other words creating infinite meaning and none have a fixed core other than that made up by religion; as nothing to do with why you consider void manifesto or null infinitum of numbnem or nobbing lee vush of murk.
3. Decay a cheese.
4. Become a nun, a martyr and a monk, live in a large seashell, sleep
the swish swish swish whilst re-writing the Bible in sand.
5. Mug someone. Send them the Malleus Maleficarum with your own
cartoon impressions of the story by ways of an apology.
6. Secretly pray to the fallen God angel Satan for something preposterous.
Do this loudly on a village bus. Then murk.
7. Get a wife with a huge cock.
8. Send someone mean who pretends to be nice a fondue set you have
always hated that has lived in the back of your kitchen cupboard growing fur that you tried to sell in a car boot frantic with freaks who wouldn't buy it. Include decayed cheese.
9. Tell anyone who lives by the Secret that you know a Secret but you're
not fucking telling them.
10. Denounce guilt. Denounce Eve. Denounce Freud. Fuck your Mother.
11. Dye beard pink.
12. Salute all horses and declare them worthy of a Pankhurst to anyone in
the vicinity who will listen and most especially to those who won't. Follow those who won't home and stand at their gate playing a recording of canned laughter into a loudspeaker painted pink.
13. Masturbate every morning for twenty minutes whether you like it or not.
14. Save the planet.
15. Never fuck Orville, or Murker Lurky and no matter what the fine print
says, never ever just, settle.
Unless you feel like it.
16. Watch porn. Open the windows. Turn the volume up.
17. Write a murder detective anime horror romance grindcore fairytale
movie with a killer hook and love conquers all numbdrum hum, cram into a capitalist shoe and then burn said script in the Hollywoods O O s whilst stamping on the earth in a feather dress, chanting, on peyote to the O O O O of time.
18. Tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex and that they're
rubbish at it and must try harder to keep up with the Joneses. Don't tell them you drilled a hole in your floor, their ceiling and dangled down a web cam for which you are being paid £312 per 'amateur' movie.
19. Use money gained from internet media pursuits for permanent hair removal of pink beard.
20. Tell your sons their is nothing a woman can do that they cannot do just as well, except bleed.
Tell your daughters there is nothing they cannot achieve, the age of the daughter is falling upon us and it shall be theirs to make.
21. Start a cult.
22. Smash something up. Possible options - car, insurance office windows,
tesco windows, broken mug, a bully (any kind will do), predictability.
23. Blow something up. If caught cite the Cult of the Intolerable Mundane
as nothing to do with why you did it. Tell them when you get out you will blow up something else.
When pressed for an answer on a recorded police tape as to what you plan to blow up, quietly baa baa baa.
Work out the real answer to the Universe, knit it onto a jumper, send in
a capsule out into space.
Do not tell a human.
24. Work on a cunning disguise of folds and lines and grey hair, wear it as an invisibility aid whilst mastering the force of Yoda, ... youth, smooth skin imperfectable ection and insecurities? A Jedi needs not these things.
25. Carry a homemade sword.
26. Fly.
